George Washington
The Words: "'Tis well."
Grade: C-
The Story: A lot of times when people are dying, they'll say something good, and then they'll go and say something stupid like "'tis well." A few minutes before the 'tis well business, Washington said, "I die hard, but I am not afraid to go." That would have been perfectly fine, George! Why'd you keep chattering?

John Adams
The Words: "Thomas Jefferson still survives."
Grade: A
The Story: These are great last words because Thomas Jefferson didn't still survive. He'd died earlier that very day (July 4, 1826).

Thomas Jeffersn
The Words: "Is it the fourth?"
Grade: A
The Story: Presumably, Jefferson wanted to make sure he was dying on the anniversary of the country he'd helped to create. But sometimes I wonder whether maybe he was just trying to figure out if he had a dentist's appointment that day. Like, maybe his final thought was, "Oh crap. It's July 4th? I've got to get my gums leeched today." Fortunately, he kept quiet.

James Madison
The Words: Either "I always talk better lying down," or, "Nothing more than a change of mind, my dear."
Grade: Either C or A-
The Story: Well, if his last words were, "I always talk better lying down," the story seems to me pretty obvious (he was tired, see), but the second (and better) story goes that Madison's wife asked him if anything was wrong. He replied, "Nothing more than a change of mind, my dear," and while Madison undoubtedly meant that he was fine, there's something sort of beautiful about imagining death as nothing more (and nothing less) than a change of mind.

James Monroe
The Words: None
The Grade: Automatic F
The Story: Monroe died of old age/heart failure/missing his wife in 1831, and no one knows his last words. Well, unless you do, in which case you should definitely email me: pudgehalter [at] yahoo.com