How To Use the Formula
First, you will have to get your variables together. This is
easy enough. First, calculate the average age
between the two people in question and then subtract
five. As an example, we are going to use me, John Green,
and also Kirsten Dunst. Kirsten is 24; I am 28. Our average
age, therefore, is 26 and 26 minus 5 is 21. (Incidentally, estimating
is fine.) Now scroll down and put the average age in the top
"A" box. For this graph, we're just
using the top line of variables; we repeat them in case you
want to draw two curves so you can compare and contract two
potential boy/girlfriends.
Second, we have C, the popularity
differential. Here you will want to figure out who
is more popular, on a scale of 1 to 15. Use negative numbers
if the girl is more popular; positive if the boy is. Okay, so
I fancy myself a fairly well-liked young man, but obviously
I am no Kirsten Dunst when it comes to popularity. So I'd say
our popularity differential, on a scale of 1 to 15, is an 8.
And since the more popular person here is the girl, that's a
-8. Now put your number in the "C" box.
Then we have H, which is exactly like C, except
it's a scale of 1 to 5, and instead of measuring popularity
differential it measures attractiveness differential.
Again, negative numbers if the girl is more popular and positive
if the boy is. Obviously, Kirsten Dunst is a lot hotter than
I am, like about -4.2 (and I'm being charitable to myself).
Now put that number in the "H" box.
P, the personality variable,
measures who is the more outgoing person on the same scale of
1 to 5--negative numbers if the girl is more outgoing, positive
numbers if the guy is. I'm actually somewhat introverted, and
as a famous actress, it seems to me that Kirsten has a streak
of the extrovert, so I'd say that's about a -3. Now put the
numer you've determined into the "P" box.
Finally, D. The dumper/dumpee differential,
is a number between -1 and 1, and it cannot be 0. For this,
you look at both people's relationship history. Who is, historically,
more of a dumpee, and how much more of a dumpee are they? If,
for instance, the boy is an extreme dumpee and the girl has
dumped pretty much everyone she ever dated including several
movie stars, then you would say the difference is about -.93.
To reiterate: The D/D differential CANNOT be 0, partly for complicated
philosophical reasons and partly because it will make the formula
not work. Once you've calculated the Dumper/Dumpee differential,
put it in box "D." Then you just have to click "graph."
Okay, so now that you have your variables, have a go at using
the formula:
Interpreting the Formula
Q. The graph I created goes up and then goes
down; i.e., it looks more like a frown than a smile.
A. The girl is going to be the dumper in that
relationship. Sorry guys. The good news is that if you get dumped
enough, it will eventually inspire your first several books.
Q. The graph I created goes down and then up;
i.e., more like a smile than a frown.
A. The guy is going to be the dumper. Sorry,
ladies. Anyway, there are better fish in the sea. That guy sucked.
I never liked him. Who wants to be with him anyway? He smells
weird. Like cat litter. I think he wears Axe or something.
Q. The graph I created looks like a line / looks
like nothing / made my browser crash and I hate you.
A. Don't hate me. I am just one man trying
to save the world through romance-prediction formulas. Okay,
you might want to zoom out. If that doesn't work, you might
want to zoom in. And if that doesn't work, you should let me
know so I can try to fix the bug.
Q. The graph I created has a lot of red on
either side of the actual graph.
A. Unfortunately, this is a sure indication
that the relationship in question, will be nasty, brutish, and
short.
Q. Does it matter if my graph is very very skinny
or very very fat?
A. Yes. Basically, the formula argues that the
steeper the curve, the shorter the relationship in question will
be.
And finally, some notes:
A note about the Formula: We refuse to accept responsibility
for its successes and/or failures. Particularly its failures.
To better understand the strengths and weaknesses of a mathematical
formula that will tell you which of two people will end a romantic
relationship and when, you should probably just read An Abundance
of Katherines.
Note about same sex couples: The formula works fine for same-sex
couples. You can replace "boy" and "girl"
with "person 1" and "person 2." It is a not
a gender-specific formula in any way.
